"Let's Stay Friends"

That's what we always say, right? Let's stay friends. I don't love you anymore, I can't be with you, I want someone else...  but let's stay friends. A noble sentiment, but I think it's a cop-out. How do you stay friends with someone when you aren't even friends to begin with? Most often the dynamic for a romantic sexual relationship is present from very soon after meeting someone, flavouring whatever friendship we are attempting to build in our endeavours to get into the other person's pants and heart. There is no non-romantic friendship under it, on which to stand when trying to "stay friends" after breaking up. So why do we try? Is it just a placebo, a way of trying to avoid the pain of ending it completely? Or an emotionally masochistic desire to drag it out? How do we do it and what does it look like? 

So often it seems the dynamics of the former relationship just flow over into the "friendship" yet we have to try to sort them out within a different context. How friendly is too friendly, can I kiss someone in front of this "friend", what is and isn't okay to talk about? We have no workshops or books or community supports for transitioning from lovers to friends. Yet there is an expectation that ex-lovers will stay friends, especially in smaller alternative communities. We are expected to somehow magically transcend all of the heart-break and anger and just "be friends" with each other. Or to engage in the alternative, which is to rally our friends around us and vilify the ex. I don't see either option as acceptable. Yes, there are of course exceptions, some people do just transition very easily from lovers to friends, and some relationships are so toxic or abusive that rallying and ostracizing is necessary. It's not the exceptions that I am referring to, it's the common scenario of Jane and Jill were madly in love and have now split up. There is of course anger and hurt, but in general both are great people and cared about within community. Of course nobody wants to have to choose between them. And of course nobody should have to. But does this really mean that they have to "stay friends"? It's my opinion that space is needed after a break-up, space to heal, time to get over it, and to not have the person's "moving on" or "not moving on yet but distracting themself" in your face. Sometimes time is needed to rant and rage about each other. That's not wrong. Being angry is not equivalent to hating or wishing ill. Speaking rage and hurt is not casting an evil spell. And wanting to stay away from someone over whom a person is hurting does not have to be divisive to a community. 

I don't see how denying one's self the time and space needed to heal is a better or more mature option. Actually I would argue that if it hurts too much to see the other person, or if there is still too much turmoil and confusion, then avoiding each other is the healthier option. 

We don't need to "stay friends" when we break up. We don't need to "play nice" and get along with each other. We are allowed to rant and rage and trash talk...  just keep it in context, find folks who can take it for what it is and contain it rather than hold it as a judgment on either party. As community, we can support each other in taking the space we need. We can hold the hurt, let the rage and acting out happen, and keep loving each person. We can stand in compassion for each other. 

'Cause really, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter who does and doesn't break up, who we did and didn't become romantically or sexually involved with, or who we were and weren't able to "stay friends" with after the fact. What matters is that we remember, regardless of what kind of stupid shit we've pulled on each other, that we're still stuck with each other. Especially in smaller alternative communities. And while it might feel really great in the moment to hear from our friends that they've got our backs, we need to remember that our friends may have our exes' backs too... and that's okay. That's how it needs to be. Like it or not, like each other or not, we are what we've got. We are our allies. And maybe that's part of what we're trying to say when we use the words "let's stay friends". Maybe what we mean is more like "I'll still look out for you." or "if some homophobe jumps you, or anyone tries to deliberately hurt you, I'll stand up for you". Maybe we don't want to lose an ally. Maybe we don't want to lose a member of our family. Maybe it's time we learn to rework our use of language and say to each other "let's stay allies". 

Love, laughter, and Blessings.

Wondering Why

This is one of those times when I'm wondering why I have a blog. The vast majority of what I need to say ends up as pages in a journal no one ever sees, nor is anyone ever intended to see them. Except of course the time that a so-called friend stole my journal and read it not only to herself but to another so-called friend. Talk about betrayal. I've been cheated on in monogamous relationships and it hurt less. It still hurts, partially because of the betrayal of friendship, and partially because that journal contained not only deep thoughts and feelings, but also the record of my initiation and secrets that were only ever intended to be between myself and my god/dess. It was a rape of sorts.


And now I see the person who watched this rape (the person with whom my innards were shared) is reappearing in the community in which I travel, and overlapping with some of my closest friends. When I saw her last summer I tried to make peace, to forgive and move on. I approached her with an offering to tentatively reconnect. I was met with a hug and words to effect that she does not judge me for the words of mine that were read to her during the violation of privacy. Words that were never intended to be heard or read by anybody, angers and griefs given over to the god/dess so as not to feed negativity in this world. I find myself at a loss as to what to do with this.


This is far from the first time I have seen violations of this nature, and judgments passed by the violators. Truthfully is makes little sense to me. If I invade your privacy and don't like the feelings I see expressed, well, whose fault is it, yours for feeling and dealing with your feelings in an appropriate venue, or mine for taking what I have no right to take? I mean seriously.



Now back to the not-friend who stole my journal.She was angry with me. Probably beyond angry. I hurt her. Not intentionally. It was one of those situations in which I believed her words over my own gut. We were having one of those "friends with benefits" relationships... we cared about each other and words of love were spoken... as were words of boundaries and neither of us wanting to be in "a relationship" interpreted as coupledom. After time the benefits ceased to be and we were simply friends and roommates. Or so I thought, based on words and actions. I found out after the fact that she had been under the impression that we were lesbian bed death couple... which is an utterly ridiculous idea to anyone who knows me. Me? Lesbian bed death? hahaha... no can do... the two are mutually exclusive.


But anyway, all of this just to say that I've learned to not trust words. Because when a person is lying to themself they can seem to have all the sincerity in the world. And in a way they do.. every word is meant and every feeling is real in that moment. It's like words of love spoken during after play but in reverse, they are true in that moment but may not hold after the moment. The lies we tell ourselves to fit with those we love and desire can go deep. Living between the lines and dancing on the edge requires a level of rigorous authenticity and honesty with oneself as well as others that not everyone is able and or willing to do. Before stepping out of our culturally supported relationship styles, we each have a responsibility both to ourselves and those we love and will love, to do a very blunt self-assessment in which we ask ourselves if we are able and willing to do the work. For some of us it is very much worth it, for others it isn't. The key is to know ourselves and be honest, and to give ourselves permission to be who we are. Sometimes community pushes us to live within the norms, and sometimes it pushes us to live outside of them. Sometimes we push ourselves to be untrue to ourselves based on ideas of shoulds and politics. So let's all stop. Let's befriend ourselves and be our true selves, learning who we are and what we want, and honouring that.



And to those of us who travel the twilit edges, let's remember to trust our guts. Let's have compassion for ourselves and also cover our backs... and let's all forever continue to love ourselves and each other.



Blessed Be.