This is one of those times when I'm wondering why I have a blog. The vast majority of what I need to say ends up as pages in a journal no one ever sees, nor is anyone ever intended to see them. Except of course the time that a so-called friend stole my journal and read it not only to herself but to another so-called friend. Talk about betrayal. I've been cheated on in monogamous relationships and it hurt less. It still hurts, partially because of the betrayal of friendship, and partially because that journal contained not only deep thoughts and feelings, but also the record of my initiation and secrets that were only ever intended to be between myself and my god/dess. It was a rape of sorts.
And now I see the person who watched this rape (the person with whom my innards were shared) is reappearing in the community in which I travel, and overlapping with some of my closest friends. When I saw her last summer I tried to make peace, to forgive and move on. I approached her with an offering to tentatively reconnect. I was met with a hug and words to effect that she does not judge me for the words of mine that were read to her during the violation of privacy. Words that were never intended to be heard or read by anybody, angers and griefs given over to the god/dess so as not to feed negativity in this world. I find myself at a loss as to what to do with this.
This is far from the first time I have seen violations of this nature, and judgments passed by the violators. Truthfully is makes little sense to me. If I invade your privacy and don't like the feelings I see expressed, well, whose fault is it, yours for feeling and dealing with your feelings in an appropriate venue, or mine for taking what I have no right to take? I mean seriously.
Now back to the not-friend who stole my journal.She was angry with me. Probably beyond angry. I hurt her. Not intentionally. It was one of those situations in which I believed her words over my own gut. We were having one of those "friends with benefits" relationships... we cared about each other and words of love were spoken... as were words of boundaries and neither of us wanting to be in "a relationship" interpreted as coupledom. After time the benefits ceased to be and we were simply friends and roommates. Or so I thought, based on words and actions. I found out after the fact that she had been under the impression that we were lesbian bed death couple... which is an utterly ridiculous idea to anyone who knows me. Me? Lesbian bed death? hahaha... no can do... the two are mutually exclusive.
But anyway, all of this just to say that I've learned to not trust words. Because when a person is lying to themself they can seem to have all the sincerity in the world. And in a way they do.. every word is meant and every feeling is real in that moment. It's like words of love spoken during after play but in reverse, they are true in that moment but may not hold after the moment. The lies we tell ourselves to fit with those we love and desire can go deep. Living between the lines and dancing on the edge requires a level of rigorous authenticity and honesty with oneself as well as others that not everyone is able and or willing to do. Before stepping out of our culturally supported relationship styles, we each have a responsibility both to ourselves and those we love and will love, to do a very blunt self-assessment in which we ask ourselves if we are able and willing to do the work. For some of us it is very much worth it, for others it isn't. The key is to know ourselves and be honest, and to give ourselves permission to be who we are. Sometimes community pushes us to live within the norms, and sometimes it pushes us to live outside of them. Sometimes we push ourselves to be untrue to ourselves based on ideas of shoulds and politics. So let's all stop. Let's befriend ourselves and be our true selves, learning who we are and what we want, and honouring that.
And to those of us who travel the twilit edges, let's remember to trust our guts. Let's have compassion for ourselves and also cover our backs... and let's all forever continue to love ourselves and each other.
Blessed Be.
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