Addiction is an Abusive Lover

Addiction is like an abusive lover, and the program of recovery is like the cops. We can want to be rid of the abusive lover and call the cops for help. The cops will come, remove the abusive lover, and even put out a restraining order if we want. Here's the catch:

Sometimes that ex-lover will come a-knockin' on our door. When they do, if we are feeling kinda low and lonely, or if we are feeling kinda high and really good about ourselves and think we can handle it, we might open the door and let that lover back in. IF we let that abusive lover back in, there ain't a darn thing the program of recovery or the cops or all the restraining orders in the world can do about it. We can kick them back out again, and the cops will come every time to help. But it will get harder each time; the abusive ex-lover will become more determined each time, based on previous success;  we will become more discouraged each time, based on previous failures.

Cravings are like abusers. They don't let go easily and rarely go away forever. So when that knock comes, when the craving hits, when the thought to pick up floats through our minds, we MUST remember what's under all that sweet talk, what's behind the flowers, what's inside those chocolates. Addiction is like an abusive lover. It's all sweetness and light until it's gets us back, then quickly knocks us down and proceeds to kick the shit out of us once again. BUT if we keep the door closed and don't let them back in, those knocks on the door will become less frequent, the abusive ex-lover becomes discouraged, and eventually it will become second nature to ignore the knocking at the door.


The program of recovery reminds us to keep the door closed and locked. The decision to do so remains ours.

Queer Assimilation?

I've been meaning to blog for awhile and just not getting around to it. Today's response to a facebook post got me going. I'm a lazy ass at times. Too many times. Ah well, seems sobriety is starting to take care of that. 




Anyhoo, onto the topic. Queers and assimilation into the straight world. Are we, can we?

I came out at 17 and was ostracized by the local lesbian community at the time for not being the "right" kind of lesbian and for not wearing the lesbian uniform properly. I hid in the hippy community as a bisexual for many years after that, being wounded and with nowhere else to go. The straights sure as heck didn't want me.
When I reclaimed my lesbian identity, and with it my queer identity (queer wasn't in use when I first came out), I also claimed my right to self-definition. NOBODY gets to decide whether or not I am queer enough, or anything enough for that matter. And I am pledged to defend the rights of others to self-define.

As for assimilation, well wtf? What is it that is really being sought? What I'm hearing is a lot of "I don't fit within the dominant culture so you shouldn't either." and that's just ridiculous. NONE of us fit within the dominant culture. We may have a degree of acceptance, depending on the specifics of our realities, but we don't fit. Two cis people of the same sex may be married and one may even be in the military but they are only accepted in part and by some. Same-sex marriage is nowhere near equal to straight marriage. To think it is equal is delusional. And that's part of what makes me wonder why queers who choose to marry are judged as assimilating. Is it not a big "FUCK YOU" to the right-wing haters, that two queers can walk into a church and be married - in the eyes of a god who many claim hates us - and have a congregation celebrate it? Not that marriage is my thing, I see no reason to pay the government so I can tell them who I'm screwing.
I'm also hearing "If you don't conform to *our* ideas of how you should be then you are assimilating." The catch is that we cannot assimilate. We live in a culture that is predominantly heterosexist at best. We are still considered too "confusing" to kids for public schools to be open about us. Queer teachers are closeted and queer students are quietly shuffled off to the guidance office. High school might be different if there is an active GSA.

Instead of tearing at each other, why not attack the powers that be who make the rules, who perpetuate the hate, who insist we strive to be like them or else? Why not call out the institutions designed to cater to the married couples? Why not demand of school districts that queer be part of the agenda, that there be queer history month just like there is a black history month? Let's look at how we can help each other instead of seeking reasons to hate each other. All of us. I'm not suggesting only those who don't "pass" ease up on those who semi-pass... I'm also suggesting those who semi-pass take a look at life for those of us who don't pass.

These are just the thoughts of an under-educated, single parent, Witch, sometimes fem sometimes not sometimes both, genderqueer, genderfuck, fag grrrl dyke who is sick to death of all the infighting and judging and general intolerance.