Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Don't Get Raped: Fuck You.

I'm all for teaching girls/women/females to not get raped. I just don't like how it's taught nor the victim-blaming that happens with it. This is the way to teach gals how to not get raped:

Gurl this world is full of assholes who believe they are entitled to take what they want and don't give two hoots who they hurt to get it. Some of them aren't just looking to force sex on you 'neither, some of them get off on causing hurts, harms, and death. And there ain't nobody gonna look after you if you run into any of these folks, not cops or passersby or church. You're on your own. SO. You gotta learn to fight. You gotta learn to fight dirty. To kick and punch and use whatever you can get your hands on. You gotta take lessons on how to fight, how to use your body as a weapon, how to use things other than your body as weapons. You gotta learn how fight and to KNOW YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR. You gotta know that your life is worth it. You gotta know that you have the right to say NO. To say NO I DON'T WANNA FUCK. NO I DON'T WANNA DANCE. NO I DON'T WANT A DRIVE. NO I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING SMILE.

You gotta know that right or wrong, whether it should be this way or not, this is how it is. The world is full of assholes. The world is full not only of assholes who rape but also assholes who tell them it's okay to rape. Assholes who will tell you it's your fault if you are raped. IT IS  NOT YOUR FAULT IF YOU ARE RAPED. Ya gotta know that somebody will try to rape you. Somebody will touch you without your permission.

Somebody will try to harm you. And you are the ONLY person who can keep yourself safe. So you gotta be sharp. You gotta walk tall and stand proud. You gotta take up space. You gotta learn to say fuck off and go fuck yourself. You gotta know that you'll get flack for protecting yourself. You gotta know that you are worth it. You gotta know that the people who give you a hard time for learning how to protect yourself are trying to put you in danger's path. You gotta know that while it maybe ain't right that we live with fear that's just how it is. You gotta know that the people who rape and the people who make excuses for them aren't gonna do a damned thing to keep you safe. You gotta be brave. And you've gotta say fuck you to anyone and everyone who tries to tell you to shrink to be safe.

You deserve to shine in all of your fabulousness. You deserve to be safe and free. You deserve to do whatever it takes to defend your safety and your freedom.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

biology is NOT destiny

Sex is destiny, biology is destiny...  such complete and utter bs. Such anti-feminist thinking. I don't give a fuck which early and founding feminist writers made or make this claim, they are wrong.

To state that it is woman's ability to reproduce that makes her a woman is itself the promotion of patriarchal thinking. It not only denies the womanhood of trans women and implies the misgendering of trans men if they have functioning ovaries, uteri, and breasts, it also denies the womanhood of those who are post-menopausal, those who have ovaries, uteri, or breasts which do not function for child-bearing and/or nursing, those who do not bear children for whatever reasons, those who do not raise children, those who choose abortion and/or adoption rather than parenthood, those who for any of a zillion reasons do not or cannot become mothers by bearing children.

It is PATRIARCHY that places value on women based on a woman's ability to bear and raise children. As feminists, we need to not only examine and challenge our own internalized patriarchal thinking, we need to challenge it when we hear it from others. We need to defend those who need defending. I mean seriously, how fucked it is that I am allowed entrance into pretty much any women-only space I choose to enter simply because I was born with a vagina, how that is extended because I have born and am raising a child, while I don't even identify as a woman most of the time yet somebody who does identify as a woman could be denied entrance..  maybe because of her body parts, maybe because she has not born and/or is not raising children...  has not raised children. Womanhood has NOTHING to do with what organs a  person has or doesn't have, nor with how well they do or don't function in regards to childbearing.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

I originally wrote this as an email to somebody with whom I've been having conversations regarding a recent conflict I'd been part of in one of my communities. As I was finishing it I realized I had written way farther than I'd intended and it really didn't belong in the message. So instead I'm posting it here.
Trigger warning for raw emotions, references to transphobia, discussions of genitals, privilege, and all sorts of ugliness.

I think I've spent so long in a queer and trans positive bubble that I've forgotten how horrible most of the world is to trans people...   I know it in a very abstract way, as in I am aware of how terribly trans women are treated, how unsafe the world is, I listen to trans women friends...   but being in this bubble means my thinking isn't always as clear as it should be...   for example, when I'm speaking of penises and privilege, it's men's penises I'm referring to not women's. To be blunt, I am afraid of cis men's penises. Literally. But not of trans women's. Maybe because I've spent enough time around trans women, come to understand enough to know that a trans woman has neither privilege nor power due to having a penis, only pain. And lately I've been sitting with my own journey of growth, and looking at it in relation to some of the radscum stuff that goes around, and I can see why some of my thoughts could cause fear...   'cause much of what I believe is only a step or two away from radfem, but it's a huge step. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I understand penis-fear. And it is only because I made a conscious decision years ago to not let that turn me into a transphobe that I'm not transphobic today. It is only because of my dear friend in high school, my trans woman friend, who shared with me her pain and grief when I was young enough that my walls of "this is who I am" were still very malleable...   and even with all I know, I still after all these years have not been able to completely banish the fear...   because the wounds were so deep. I'm not talking direct sexual assault abuse although there was that too, I'm talking that insidious cultural type abuse...   and fair or not, the message was very clearly one of "you are lesser because you don't have a penis". It wasn't "lesser because you are a woman", it was very much about the penis. And yeah I've spent years half-assedly trying to deal with it, then when it was too big and I lost hope I retreated into drinking and partying because I could ignore it that way, didn't have to feel it, and could get along with more people. So now the fears are coming out (I'm told this is what happens in early sobriety, it all comes boiling over) and it is only because I refuse to allow my fears and wounds to lead me into oppressing anyone that I haven't fallen into what's now called radfem. So yeah the fears of whoever was having them are founded. BUT I can promise you that I would NEVER intentionally use them against anyone. If anything, my awareness of my own penis-phobia and inclination - again, out of fear and desire to run from the source of the fear - has led me to push for rights, protection, and access for trans women...  maybe over-compensation for what part of me would like to do...   to run away and be with people who I think are just like me...  which is a lie...  partly 'cause I'm not cis either and partly 'cause cis women are just as dangerous as anyone else...   and I know better than any of this...   but when I'm triggered, as I've been the past week or two over the frequent anti-feminist stuff I was seeing posted or reblogged by queers and GMs (mostly he/him/his queers and GMs from what I saw) that's the place I go...   to a place of running away from all he/him/his people...   and I bitch about the penises of he/him/his people but don't clarify that it's only the penises of he/him/his people not she/her/hers people...  and I want to run away to be with only she/her/hers people...   but don't clarify that I'm including trans women in there...   because I'm triggered and being careless...   and wow I didn't mean for this to be so intense.

So this was a deep piece...  lots of thought mulling around...   awakenings and deeper understandings of not only self but the world.

The back story is that I had posted some things to my facebook page that frightened another GM (gender minority person) because it seemed to them to be radfem. It was not written with that intent...   at least not in any real way...  but still had an impact on the person who read it. I'm still not clear of where the boundaries are...  where is it a case of don't say this vs. deal with your triggers...   or if there is a clear boundary...  'cause sometimes what is safety for one person is danger for another and vice versa...   so for now I've taken a step out of that community until I get to know myself better...   become more aware and stronger in my own truths, able to stand behind my truths while also being mindful of others' truths. That will be an adventure in and of itself.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Addiction is an Abusive Lover

Addiction is like an abusive lover, and the program of recovery is like the cops. We can want to be rid of the abusive lover and call the cops for help. The cops will come, remove the abusive lover, and even put out a restraining order if we want. Here's the catch:

Sometimes that ex-lover will come a-knockin' on our door. When they do, if we are feeling kinda low and lonely, or if we are feeling kinda high and really good about ourselves and think we can handle it, we might open the door and let that lover back in. IF we let that abusive lover back in, there ain't a darn thing the program of recovery or the cops or all the restraining orders in the world can do about it. We can kick them back out again, and the cops will come every time to help. But it will get harder each time; the abusive ex-lover will become more determined each time, based on previous success;  we will become more discouraged each time, based on previous failures.

Cravings are like abusers. They don't let go easily and rarely go away forever. So when that knock comes, when the craving hits, when the thought to pick up floats through our minds, we MUST remember what's under all that sweet talk, what's behind the flowers, what's inside those chocolates. Addiction is like an abusive lover. It's all sweetness and light until it's gets us back, then quickly knocks us down and proceeds to kick the shit out of us once again. BUT if we keep the door closed and don't let them back in, those knocks on the door will become less frequent, the abusive ex-lover becomes discouraged, and eventually it will become second nature to ignore the knocking at the door.

The program of recovery reminds us to keep the door closed and locked. The decision to do so remains ours.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Queer Assimilation?

I've been meaning to blog for awhile and just not getting around to it. Today's response to a facebook post got me going. I'm a lazy ass at times. Too many times. Ah well, seems sobriety is starting to take care of that. 

Anyhoo, onto the topic. Queers and assimilation into the straight world. Are we, can we?

I came out at 17 and was ostracized by the local lesbian community at the time for not being the "right" kind of lesbian and for not wearing the lesbian uniform properly. I hid in the hippy community as a bisexual for many years after that, being wounded and with nowhere else to go. The straights sure as heck didn't want me.
When I reclaimed my lesbian identity, and with it my queer identity (queer wasn't in use when I first came out), I also claimed my right to self-definition. NOBODY gets to decide whether or not I am queer enough, or anything enough for that matter. And I am pledged to defend the rights of others to self-define.

As for assimilation, well wtf? What is it that is really being sought? What I'm hearing is a lot of "I don't fit within the dominant culture so you shouldn't either." and that's just ridiculous. NONE of us fit within the dominant culture. We may have a degree of acceptance, depending on the specifics of our realities, but we don't fit. Two cis people of the same sex may be married and one may even be in the military but they are only accepted in part and by some. Same-sex marriage is nowhere near equal to straight marriage. To think it is equal is delusional. And that's part of what makes me wonder why queers who choose to marry are judged as assimilating. Is it not a big "FUCK YOU" to the right-wing haters, that two queers can walk into a church and be married - in the eyes of a god who many claim hates us - and have a congregation celebrate it? Not that marriage is my thing, I see no reason to pay the government so I can tell them who I'm screwing.
I'm also hearing "If you don't conform to *our* ideas of how you should be then you are assimilating." The catch is that we cannot assimilate. We live in a culture that is predominantly heterosexist at best. We are still considered too "confusing" to kids for public schools to be open about us. Queer teachers are closeted and queer students are quietly shuffled off to the guidance office. High school might be different if there is an active GSA.

Instead of tearing at each other, why not attack the powers that be who make the rules, who perpetuate the hate, who insist we strive to be like them or else? Why not call out the institutions designed to cater to the married couples? Why not demand of school districts that queer be part of the agenda, that there be queer history month just like there is a black history month? Let's look at how we can help each other instead of seeking reasons to hate each other. All of us. I'm not suggesting only those who don't "pass" ease up on those who semi-pass... I'm also suggesting those who semi-pass take a look at life for those of us who don't pass.

These are just the thoughts of an under-educated, single parent, Witch, sometimes fem sometimes not sometimes both, genderqueer, genderfuck, fag grrrl dyke who is sick to death of all the infighting and judging and general intolerance.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012


A friend of mine commented to me earlier that she wishes she had my faith. That got me to thinking, because I generally don't see myself as having faith, or even beliefs...  my most common response when asked what I really think is that I don't know. All I know is how it seems to me and that's probably wrong.

The following is my response to her, and that's probably wrong too.   

I don't know that I'd call it faith... I see too much evidence, including from the world of science, to believe anything other than that Life = Love... I am a thread in the tapestry of Life... how can I not be Loved beyond all reason? Not by some being outside of everything, but by the Everything... as I would hopefully love every cell in my body, would the metaphorical tapestry not Love every thread of which it is made? Would it not be the thread's own acts of isolation that would make it unaware of being part of a greater whole? When I have been cut off from Godde, it has been through actions (including thinking) of my own, not hers.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

the curve ball

Isn't it strange how we can be standing at the ready to bat, and see that pitcher there ready to throw a curve ball, yet still miss it? We can know what's coming, we can be as mentally prepared as prepared can be, yet we still miss, still strike out. And isn't life like that too. We can see it coming, know what's ahead, see the signs, heed the warnings, yet still be knocked out of our socks when tomorrow becomes today and that curve ball comes sailing through. Fortunately, unlike in a softball game, we don't have to strike out.